Before I continue with this piece about self-care, I'd like to preface it by acknowledging that it is a privilege to be able to rely on some of these methods, or life changes, I have discussed. In fact, it would be ignorant of me to assume that what comes 'easily' to me can come just as straightforwardly to others. Mental health issues have infinite ways of catalysing certain emotions and behaviours within people, and I am not here to assume that anything that helps me, can be just as helpful to others. I am, however, aware of how beautiful it is to see an entire community of people supporting one another, regardless of differences. Mental Health problems can be isolating, they can make you feel inescapably alone. The most important part of our community is to combat this, to make others understand that there is hope. There is love. And, in the worst times, there is purpose.
So,
What does 'self care' truly mean?
By definition, to "care of the self without medical or other professional consultation."
Although, a personal interpretation of what 'self care' is, unequivocally differs for every individual. In terms of the 'little' aspects, for me, it's making sure I take my anxiety medication every morning. It's keeping my bedroom clean because I know that by doing so, my mind is more relaxed. It's making a cup of tea and sitting down when I can feel my heart-racing. It's taking the time moisturise my legs everyday because I'm aware of how soothing I find it. For my own peace of mind, a routine is everything. The correlation between this desire for a set routine and having severe anxiety disorder seems linear. Yet, it's a routine that is not unhealthy. It's not damaging. It is my comforting method of proving to myself that I am in control, a sanctuary to compose my thoughts.
When I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia, one of the biggest tell-tale signs that was suffering from the diagnosis was my 'routine'. I constantly checked my body for 'flaws', religiously looking in the mirror, feeling my skin, searching for 'cracks' in my face. It was then in that moment, I realised that my entire life had been plagued by this horrible routine of self-hate. A routine that did nothing but make me feel lesser than other people. A routine that made me hate myself, until everything got so incredibly severe that I suffered agoraphobia and didn't leave the house for five consecutive months. It was so consuming that I had to drop out of school, spending my days crying in my bedroom, because I felt too ugly to exist. I woke up and was overwhelmed with anxiety. Panic-attacks dominated me. I had lost all control of my life. I was alone, isolated, with nothing. Seventeen-years old with hardly any friends, no education and little to keep me motivated.
That was when I discovered self-care. I took it upon myself to apply to college, I decided that I was going to attend University and study history, whether people believed in me or not. I took on masses of work, and received my place. I put myself in situations that triggered my anxiety, but by using self-care methods I was able to calm myself down. There were unavoidable bad days. There were moments of sitting on the floor unable to breathe, crying and going home. There were times of feeling alone, like nobody really cared about me. However, by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, I made some beautiful friendships. Connections that I will never forget to appreciate. With new people, and with those who had stuck by me the entire time. I was re-building relationships with family members who I had previously pushed away because of my anxiety and self-destruction. Finally, I had transformed from someone who believed they had 'nothing', to a person who would not stop until proving they could undoubtedly achieve just what everybody else could. I am now nineteen, my first year of University will begin in September 2017, as a History student who received good grades at A-level. A person who no longer spends three hours each day looking in the mirror telling themselves they look like a 'monster'. Somebody who refuses to cling onto a false idea of 'perfection'. Regardless of those periods of time where my anxiety made me want to give up entirely, I didn't. I took my time, pushed myself and most crucially, cared for myself.
Self-care is not only the little things, it's the big moments. It was allowing myself to feel beautiful and to not look at my face in disgust. It's letting myself open up to people and create friendships regardless of my insecurities. It's giving myself the opportunity to go to University and gain a degree in a subject I am incredibly passionate about. It's letting my mind feel happiness whilst unapologetically finding beauty within myself.
If you ever feel that you have nothing, remember that life ebbs and flows. Regardless of what happens, you have worth. I had worth when I was severely anxious, spending months in my room. I have worth now. We are always deserving of caring for ourselves. Remember,
"You will grow, it just takes time."
Love, Elle
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Important links if you're suffering because of mental health:
http://www.sabp.nhs.uk/advice/links/mental-health-links
Image used was sourced from: twipwstel.tumblr.com
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