Obsessed with love?

Why am I so mesmerised by love? I’m not in love, at least not in a romantic way; yet I spend most of my evenings listening to Billie Holiday sing about falling in love, being in it, and then falling back out. My two favourite films are about two people falling for one another, spending at least half the plot trying to convince themselves they surely haven’t, but then confessing that they have in the final ten minutes. I’ve spent the majority of my long, gruelling journey’s back and forth Wales and England accompanied by Dolly Alderton’s Love Stories podcast; listening intently as her guests describe falling in love for the first time. Most of my personal writing that I don’t share is about love; how it hurts, how it’s pointless, why it’s the best sensation in the world and why I wish I had no idea what it was. Then I circle back to ‘maybe I don’t know what it is’ because I’m not in it.

One of my favourite conversations to overhear is two people having their first date. It’s one of those moments you couldn't possibly tune out, no matter how much of an imposter you feel. Some of them are awkward, uncomfortable and involve a lot of jarred conversations about how much someone loves Amsterdam or saying things like ‘Oh, I only drink proper coffee’ or ‘Love Island is single-handedly ruining our generation’. Others seem effortless, like the two people have been best friends their entire lives.  That’s the type of first date hopeless romantics like me dream of. That’s why I always find myself saying yes to dates and then cancelling them a few days later, because I don’t think I could handle a string of consecutively bad ones, I would blame myself. I’d end up convincing myself it was because I was boring, or not pretty enough, or because I offended them in some way. First dates terrify me a little bit because I never know how much of myself to give. Do I tell them that sometimes I cry when listening to Bonnie Tyler, that my baking isn’t actually that good and that I love spending countless hours watching weird Youtube videos? Or do I say things like ‘yeah, I love theatre and red wine. Have you been to Copenhagen? You should go to Copenhagen! What’s your favourite play, here’s a list of my favourite novels’. Do they want a highlights reel or do they want the person that I actually am? 

Some of the best dates I’ve ever had are where I’ve felt completely myself. A weird thing to say, considering I can only really every be me, and it’s not like I have the ability to transform into another person. But sometimes it feels like putting on a mask, one that only has all my best parts. Although, that will never allow for love to be catalysed; at least not for me. One of my fears is someone falling in love with an imagined version of me, something I will never be able to uphold. I am not perfect, and I shouldn’t be expected to be. I get upset when things are hurtful, I spend the majority of my life being anxious and sometimes my hair is so messy that it looks like I’ve been electrocuted. I’m imperfect; that’s the only way we really can be, it’s the beauty and the curse of being human.

This is one of the reasons I value the love you gain from family and friendship so deeply. The people in your life who care about you sincerely have seen you at your worst, most vulnerable times in your life, and they have not failed to love you. They have seen you cry so hard that your entire face goes red, they have been there to make you cups of tea when it feels like the world is falling apart, and they will sit and talk to you about the same problem over and over again -giving the exact same advice - just because they know it makes you feel better.

One of my close friends has been having a tough time with romantic love lately, so I sent her a card and quoted one my favourite pieces of writing I’ve read from Dolly Alderton:

“There’s the love you have with family members, the love that you have for a place that you visit, or the road that you live on, or the love that you have for every day habits, and the love that you have for your partner, and the love that you have for yourself. You should fill your life with lots of different love.”

The reason why I listen to Billie Holiday every day, watch When Harry met Sally too often and listen to people discuss stories of falling for someone else is because these are habits that allow me to experience love. In a way, I am in love with these habits. Love is not one singular person, it is found in a multitude of places; so keep falling in love every day. People in relationships are not the only ones who can create habits of love, you can do it with yourself. And when the time comes, maybe you’ll say yes to a date without cancelling, and you can be your true self. What have you got to lose? Romantic love is not the be all and end all; it is merely a beautiful possibility.

Elle